MY LITTLE ANGEL

Today I was not in the best place in my head. I was feeling all alone, angry, and unsure of what I am to do in the next weeks, even months ahead.  Feelings of failure started to cloud my mind as I washed the dishes listening to music.  Then Michael McLean's song "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours" started playing.  The emotion I felt about my two beautiful girls began to flood my eyes.  As I bowed away from the sink in tears I saw my son with his arms pointing up to me,  I knelt down to this little angel and picked him up.  As he snuggled up on my shoulder I began, for the hundredth time this week, to recall the miracle he is.  Here is his story.

My son Davin was born, and I developed blood clots in my left leg and lungs.  So about 18 months later when I went to my husband and said "I wanna have more kids!"  you can understand his hesitation.  I should have died multiple times, and he was nervous having more children would be the end of me.  So he said "let's pray and see if we should adopt."  We did.  Every time we prayed I heard the same response: "Yes adoption is right, but not right now."  Every time I would get up from the prayer I would look at the foot of the bed, see the crib and a DARK haired little boy and he would say "Mom, just get things ready for me to come."  I would sometimes sit on my bed and ask  "God, seriously?  Is my son going to be 15 before we get to adopt?"  I would learn my lesson in asking God that question just over a year later.  I assumed we would be adopting a dark hair little boy because of the little boy I saw in the crib, because his hair was so dark and Davin's hair had been so red.  Here is a picture of Davin at about 10 days old.

 

 

A year later I was telling my dad about my answer and my frustration with it.  He said "Why don't  you pray to see if you should have more of your own natural children."  We did.  And I think I was shocked that the answer was "YES!"  The month after we received our answer I had some problems, went to my doctor and found out that my IUD had moved through my uterus and into my abdomen wall.  We scheduled surgery to remove it.  I had a tremendous amount of anxiety.  It was scheduled for April the 13th.  I have had 3 relatives die on the 13th of a couple months.  I was supposed to have died the last surgery I had.  I remember laughing about how I was going to die because the lottery was 130 million!  ANOTHER 13!!!  I remember praying that I would either die, or get up from the surgery like nothing had happened.  I begged my Father in Heaven to not let me wake up like I had the last surgery.  That pain was unbearable.  He answered my prayer.  I woke up and as soon as I did I was eager to get up and out of there.

Exactly a month after the surgery, my sister announced that she could no longer care for her children.  They were looking to give their daughters more than they could offer.  2 weeks later Rachel and Ameilia came into our home.  About 6 weeks later I got my first positive pregnancy test.  I was 2 weeks late, had taken a hundred tests, all saying "no".  A guy at work asked if I was pregnant I said "no! I cant be I just got the girls."  He said "Nope, I have a feeling you are pregnant."  I laughed.  He told me to wait another 3 days to take the test.  I did and sure enough I WAS PREGNANT!!

When I was 14 weeks we had a birthday party for Davin and played a slide show of the kids.  It ended with  "In a galaxy far far away, GOD has a sense of humor!  COMING MARCH 2013..."  I was so nervous,  we hadn't told anyone I was pregnant.  And when the picture of my ultrasound came up I heard lots of comments, but the one I remember the most was "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!"  I still laugh.  I then got up and said "in our defense today we have had the girls 14 weeks, and on Wednesday I am 14 weeks pregnant."  I still laugh about how we announced it and how shocked everyone was,  I think I am still shocked I went from 1 to 4 kids overnight!

 At one point far into the pregnancy I expressed concern to my husband about him leaving town because I hadn't felt the baby move.  He reassured me it was ok.  I had tried drinking orange juice, nothing.  After the second day of only feeling him move once, I went to the ER by myself.  I was terrified about what was going to happen.  Terrified, that if Zae was gone I would be there alone.  I remember walking up to the hospital and having the feeling "you are doing this by yourself for a reason."  I did not know what that reason was until right this moment.  I was showing myself I was strong enough to do these hard things by myself.  Why? Because I am walking with angels around me.  They are whispering words of strength, light and hope.  They are carrying me.

Zae showed me how 13 was actually a lucky number.  He was born 3/13/13 at 13:15  weighing 6 lbs 7 oz. = total of 13, circumference of his head was 13.  My mom, before I saw Zae, said "He has DARK hair just like you knew he would."  This is Zae at 10 days.

  When he was just over 13 weeks my world crumbled.  I remember looking at the ceiling and saying "Why would Zae choose to come into this?  He told me to get ready so he could come.  He had to have known what was going to happen."  Another angel whispered "HE CHOSE YOU.  We were all saved for this time, where Satan is attacking the family, and HE CHOSE YOU to guide him through this." Reading this again seems overwhelming, but I remember the spirit of what was said and it was said with hope and strength.  Lifting my burden not weighing it down. 

Mr. Zae, YOU are my angel.  You are my happiness angel.  When the world seems dark and heavy, I think of your little spirit telling me to get ready for you.  I had to prepare for one of the greatest little angels to come into my life.  I don't know what I did to prepare but I am glad I did, so I get to hold you every day.  I am thankful your favorite word is "WOW", because wow is what I have said almost everyday since I found out you were coming.  I am thankful you chose to be my angel of happiness and light as I entered my tunnel of darkness. 

My angel, My Grandpa

My grandpa was a strong, gentle, loving person.  I have many great memories of him.  Most of my memories are of his favorite place, the cabin at Birch Creek.  He always wrapped his arms around me, asked how I was, and gave me advice to stay away from boys.  I always knew he loved me.  I still picture him as a quiet man, with a contagious laugh.  I remember the first time I really heard him belly laugh we were at great grandma Manning's house, she had made us bread and jam to take home, I don't remember what was said but he was laughing harder than I had ever seen him laugh.  Getting into the car to leave that night I told my mom "I think that is the best laugh I have ever heard." 

In 2005 my grandpa was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  I was able to go to the Emergency Room to see him, when he was first sick.   I remember walking into the hospital and not sure what was really happening, when I saw my uncle crying I lost it.  Grandma took me in to see grandpa in his sheet walled room.  He held my hand and talked to me for about a half hour.  I listened intently because I had never had a connection like this with him.   He told me what kind of person I was, and how happy I would make people around me.  He explained how I needed to help others feel comfortable with who they were.  I needed to show them love and kindness, be a support to them.  He told me that each person who comes into my life is there for a reason, and usually the reason is they need kindness and I am to provide that. He told me many things that had been stated in a blessing I had received 4 years earlier.  I remember the feeling of his hand holding mine and the love that filled the room at that moment. 

I would visit a couple times between December and the night before he died.  The last time he and I had a conversation, he was frustrated.  He was learning basic things we learn as a child.  He kept saying "I have already learned this, why do I have to do this again?"  I had never seen him frustrated like this.  He was always very level headed and calm.

The morning and days to follow his death our cousins, from all over the country, would tell their stories about how they knew he had died before being told.  Everyone had great experiences.  I felt sad, I remember calling out to him and saying "Please say goodbye to me."  I would not receive what I was hoping for, for 7 years.  I had not known it but he had become my angel.

This week was his birthday and would turn my thoughts to the amazing experience I have had with him over the last few months, and the gratitude I have for him in allowing me to know he IS THERE FOR ME.  The moments my world dissolved would prove that he was beside me.  On my drive to my mom's house I knew it was my grandpa that was beside me.  I had taken a wrong exit and fog began to fill my windshield.  My grandpa's voice came to me and said "your life is going through its own fog right now but I promise it will clear and you will see everything.  Call grandma Joan she has lived through this very thing. She will be a great support to you as you journey through this."

He had been married twice before meeting grandma Joan.  Grandma would say he was her Romeo and he would respond by saying "well it took me a while to find my Juliet."  They were great example of love and support to one another.  Grandma Joan treats me as if I am her own grandchild.  I am thankful that in this point in my life I can turn to her for advice.  She will email or text something to me and it will be just what I needed.  My grandma and grandpa have helped me together, each on different sides of the veil.  He was the first to provide light on my entrance into my darkness.  His light was that of HOPE. 

A light in the Darkness

Today while at church, I got lost in the thoughts of what has happened over the last year.  A year ago yesterday, my aunt and cousin threw a baby shower for me.  My life, I felt, was beautiful.  I now had four beautiful children.  I loved being at home with them, but was struggling figuring everything out.  My husband was gone a lot.  So I was trying to figure out the schedule of nursing, feeding the kids, changing 3 kids' diapers, putting dinner on the table and sleeping.  It all felt extremely overwhelming and exciting at the same time.  I was trying to figure out the balance of my new life. 

A few months before giving birth to my beautiful little boy I would be cooking dinner, and on several occasions I would feel a quiet voice say "Your life is about to become beautiful.  The light at the end of the tunnel is near, keep pushing."  At this time I was frustrated and even angry at the amount of time my husband was gone, because he would promise to be home for certain activities and never come.  He was home maybe once a weekend a month.  I was dilated to a 5 four weeks away from my due date and he was traveling to Florida,  I was terrified the baby would come and he would not be there.  I wanted him there by my side, the way he was with our oldest.  I was scared to be alone during that time.  I prepared an emergency contact list with people close by and the order in which to call them if I did need to go.  However, it  did work out that he was there for the delivery of our son. 

At home, after Zae came into our lives, I felt like I was looking at was happening from an above view.  I let everything happen.  I think I was in a state of shock, or sleep deprivation. I was now a 26 year old mother of 4 children, ages 3 and under.  I remember three distinct times, while feeding my sweet baby before the other kids were awake, hearing a voice say "Your life is about to change, like a car accident, you will lose someone you love.  You will be ok."  I almost died after delivery of my first child.  Actually, I should have died at least 4 times.  So I remember holding Zae as if he was not going to be with me for very long.  I was frightened and yet felt at peace.  On those days that I heard "my life was about to change" I again heard the voice repeat what it had told me once before: "YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NEAR."  It was now more clear and strong.  I felt confused by these two feelings, that seemingly contradicted one another.  I remember my dad visited one day and I told him about the feeling about the light coming.  I also expressed my anger at how I didn't want to wait anymore.  I felt alone and lost how could the light possibly come?    Like a wise father my dad responded with "then trust it will come and let go of the anger." 

The thoughts today seemed to sting my soul.  Why would He tell me?  Why would He tell me the light was coming, if in 2 months, we would have to leave our home.   We would have to start our lives over.  Did He want me to know He trusted me?  Did He want me to know I was going to be ok?
Was He telling me to be calm and trust him. That even though I would lose someone, there would be light at the end of the dark tunnel?  How could He promise something so great and yet know my life was about to become a darkness that I had never experienced before.  The light at the end of the tunnel was near? How could that be, I was about to step into the tunnel!!

 I still do not have all the answers to my questions.  However, I do believe my Heavenly Father wanted me to know, He understood the situation I was in.  He knew I had my little ones, He knew that I would have a hard time.  But he wanted to give me HOPE.  He wanted me to know that no matter how dark the tunnel was I WOULD FIND THE LIGHT.  I have found friends along the way (my angels) that want to help me through the tunnel.  I have received many enlightening things that have helped light my tunnel in the darkness I find myself in. 

One friend and I have discussed how everything has its symbolism in the big picture.   We talked about how we can become the "light of the world" Matthew 5:14 kjv bible.  He was very wise in his words and provided more light on my path.  "Light symbolizes many things.  It symbolizes purity, warmth, companionship, etc.  We are drawn to it because of those things it makes us feel like.  When we are to be the "light" we are to be something of great value to those around us - to be warm, inviting, a sympathizing companion, and strive for purity."  I thought over these words for several hours and as I began writing this post. My answer hit.  HE PROMISED ME warm, inviting, sympathizing companions.  As I strive for purity and try to provide those things for others the light at the end of my tunnel grows.  

Being a parent teaches us how our Father in Heaven feels about us.  His patience that he has with us and the patience we share with our little ones as they try to walk, run, ride bikes, drive their own cars.  We have to have patience with our children as they learn these tasks and we hold them when they cry but we encourage them to keep trying.  Our Father in Heaven sends his angels to walk with us, hold us and even embrace us as we fall, learn and get back up.  He wants us to have hope.  I remember seeing this picture of Christ carrying a lamb over his shoulders and I began to cry. 

The meaning of this picture had never hit me before.  First he finds us, he knows the way back is hard and not level ground.  So he carries us.  He picks us up gently, and carries us HOME.  My Father was indeed trying to provide hope.  He sent angels to whisper "light is coming".  Not that I was lost, but I would feel lost as I began my journey to find who my Father in Heaven sees me as, who he needs me to become.  To help others find the light in their own path of darkness in this dark world we live in.  He is sending angels to "light" our paths.  As we help others, and become their light our light grows.  "Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."  JOHN 8:12.    

Getting Started

Getting Started: The Purpose for this Blog

I was newly pregnant and my husband and I were driving to the mall with our 3 small children, and it hit me like a light in the darkness.  I knew what I wanted to do, I felt like I had direction.  I wanted to write a book about being a MOTHER, and how each of my children are angels.  I came up with the title that very moment.  My Journey with Angels.  I wanted to write about the incredible experiences I had had with each of the children, and how they were my angels guiding me.  I can still remember where we were in the parking lot when the thought struck.  A year later, after a lot of changes, my husband and I separated.  I felt my world was falling apart faster than I could grasp what was happening.  (We will talk more on that later.)  At one point it hit me again "WRITE A BOOK! YOU HAVE THE TITLE NOW WRITE IT!"  I had realized my whole life I had literally walked with angels at my side.  My book was now not about just my journey through motherhood, but about my life.  One day on Facebook I asked people what they would think if I were to write a book.  The response was tremendous.  I felt such love and support from family and friends.  My aunt said "do a blog!"  I set up a blog and was able to use the name that had come to me almost 2 years ago. 

I have thought long and hard, and prayed harder for the real reason of this blog, and I have come up with 2 answers.
1) for my healing.  To be able to write down what has happened and recognize the angels that walk with me.
2) for the healing of others.  Many men, women and children have lived through things similar to what my experiences have been, some have had it worse.  So I wish to write this in hopes of providing light in YOUR darkness, and help you see the angels in YOUR life. 

I will write about some painful things, that even my close family members do not know about.  I do not wish to write to have people charged with crimes they committed (some are past their statute of limitations) and both myself and the person who did these things to me have moved on.  However, they need to be written for they HAVE impacted my life and are reasons I feel I can look back and say "I could not have gotten through that time in my life if angels were not at my side".  I hope you find encouragement and hope from the words on this blog.  I do not know if I will write it in order of my life, but rather as the thoughts come to me of which story in my life I wish to share.  I pray God will guide me to the RIGHT post on the RIGHT day.  I pray he will inspire my soul as to which words will edify and uplift those in their darkness.  To give hope to the weary and heavy laden.  To all of you who face the trials of such darkness, feel the embrace of the angels around you.