A light in the Darkness

Today while at church, I got lost in the thoughts of what has happened over the last year.  A year ago yesterday, my aunt and cousin threw a baby shower for me.  My life, I felt, was beautiful.  I now had four beautiful children.  I loved being at home with them, but was struggling figuring everything out.  My husband was gone a lot.  So I was trying to figure out the schedule of nursing, feeding the kids, changing 3 kids' diapers, putting dinner on the table and sleeping.  It all felt extremely overwhelming and exciting at the same time.  I was trying to figure out the balance of my new life. 

A few months before giving birth to my beautiful little boy I would be cooking dinner, and on several occasions I would feel a quiet voice say "Your life is about to become beautiful.  The light at the end of the tunnel is near, keep pushing."  At this time I was frustrated and even angry at the amount of time my husband was gone, because he would promise to be home for certain activities and never come.  He was home maybe once a weekend a month.  I was dilated to a 5 four weeks away from my due date and he was traveling to Florida,  I was terrified the baby would come and he would not be there.  I wanted him there by my side, the way he was with our oldest.  I was scared to be alone during that time.  I prepared an emergency contact list with people close by and the order in which to call them if I did need to go.  However, it  did work out that he was there for the delivery of our son. 

At home, after Zae came into our lives, I felt like I was looking at was happening from an above view.  I let everything happen.  I think I was in a state of shock, or sleep deprivation. I was now a 26 year old mother of 4 children, ages 3 and under.  I remember three distinct times, while feeding my sweet baby before the other kids were awake, hearing a voice say "Your life is about to change, like a car accident, you will lose someone you love.  You will be ok."  I almost died after delivery of my first child.  Actually, I should have died at least 4 times.  So I remember holding Zae as if he was not going to be with me for very long.  I was frightened and yet felt at peace.  On those days that I heard "my life was about to change" I again heard the voice repeat what it had told me once before: "YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NEAR."  It was now more clear and strong.  I felt confused by these two feelings, that seemingly contradicted one another.  I remember my dad visited one day and I told him about the feeling about the light coming.  I also expressed my anger at how I didn't want to wait anymore.  I felt alone and lost how could the light possibly come?    Like a wise father my dad responded with "then trust it will come and let go of the anger." 

The thoughts today seemed to sting my soul.  Why would He tell me?  Why would He tell me the light was coming, if in 2 months, we would have to leave our home.   We would have to start our lives over.  Did He want me to know He trusted me?  Did He want me to know I was going to be ok?
Was He telling me to be calm and trust him. That even though I would lose someone, there would be light at the end of the dark tunnel?  How could He promise something so great and yet know my life was about to become a darkness that I had never experienced before.  The light at the end of the tunnel was near? How could that be, I was about to step into the tunnel!!

 I still do not have all the answers to my questions.  However, I do believe my Heavenly Father wanted me to know, He understood the situation I was in.  He knew I had my little ones, He knew that I would have a hard time.  But he wanted to give me HOPE.  He wanted me to know that no matter how dark the tunnel was I WOULD FIND THE LIGHT.  I have found friends along the way (my angels) that want to help me through the tunnel.  I have received many enlightening things that have helped light my tunnel in the darkness I find myself in. 

One friend and I have discussed how everything has its symbolism in the big picture.   We talked about how we can become the "light of the world" Matthew 5:14 kjv bible.  He was very wise in his words and provided more light on my path.  "Light symbolizes many things.  It symbolizes purity, warmth, companionship, etc.  We are drawn to it because of those things it makes us feel like.  When we are to be the "light" we are to be something of great value to those around us - to be warm, inviting, a sympathizing companion, and strive for purity."  I thought over these words for several hours and as I began writing this post. My answer hit.  HE PROMISED ME warm, inviting, sympathizing companions.  As I strive for purity and try to provide those things for others the light at the end of my tunnel grows.  

Being a parent teaches us how our Father in Heaven feels about us.  His patience that he has with us and the patience we share with our little ones as they try to walk, run, ride bikes, drive their own cars.  We have to have patience with our children as they learn these tasks and we hold them when they cry but we encourage them to keep trying.  Our Father in Heaven sends his angels to walk with us, hold us and even embrace us as we fall, learn and get back up.  He wants us to have hope.  I remember seeing this picture of Christ carrying a lamb over his shoulders and I began to cry. 

The meaning of this picture had never hit me before.  First he finds us, he knows the way back is hard and not level ground.  So he carries us.  He picks us up gently, and carries us HOME.  My Father was indeed trying to provide hope.  He sent angels to whisper "light is coming".  Not that I was lost, but I would feel lost as I began my journey to find who my Father in Heaven sees me as, who he needs me to become.  To help others find the light in their own path of darkness in this dark world we live in.  He is sending angels to "light" our paths.  As we help others, and become their light our light grows.  "Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."  JOHN 8:12.