He is STILL There

I would like to apologize for the huge gap from my last post.  I had a trial of faith and other big moments happening.  I have moved twice.  I am now a stay-at-home mom.  It is harder than I had imagined and the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life.  Spring soccer is coming up and I am so excited to see the kids play.  We are learning the ropes of school and it has been an adjustment for ALL of us.  I am thankful I get to enjoy these kids as much as possible.  I would like to share with you how I found that Heavenly Father loves me no matter what.

One night I was getting the kids ready so we could go take rent to the landlord.  I had gotten them all ready and told them to go out to the car so we could go as soon as I finished putting my own shoes on.  I finished filling out the envelope for the check, stuck the check inside and sealed it.  I bent down to tie my shoes, got up and BOOM the envelope with the check is GONE.  I started going through everything on my desk, lifting the keyboard and monitor.  Nothing.  I hadn't moved 12 inches, but I went to the other half of the room and tore apart my couch, lifting the cushions and the couch itself.  Still, nothing.  I went outside and asked the kids if they had taken it out to help me.  NOPE.  I was starting to panic.  Everything I had was in that check.  What on earth was I going to do?!  Then I heard a whisper "Pray for help to find it."  I yelled back, partly because I was upset about losing this check and partly because I was furious with God at that point in my life, "I don't believe you can help me!"  Then a voice even more gentle than the first said "would you please stop being mad at me for one moment so I can help you?"  He knew I was mad at Him, so why was he offering to help me?  I got all the kids in the living room and asked my oldest son to pray to Heavenly Father asking for his help in finding this check.  He said a beautiful prayer.  However, did you see what I did?  I was told to pray about it and I didn't want to, so I asked someone else to do it for me.  After a while looking I heard "I asked you to pray for help"  So this time I listened and went into my room and was very honest in how I felt.  I said "I don't have a testimony that you help people find things.  I have heard President Thomas S. Monson tell of a time he prayed to you to help him find his paper route money.  So I guess I will go off of his testimony that you can help us find what we are looking for."  I closed the prayer and saw in my mind two distinct places where it was not.  I continued to look in other places. Another half hour passed.  I gave in and went to those two places I knew it couldn't be.  As I came back from those places, because it wasn't there, in the middle of my floor was the envelope!! It was wrinkled.  I must have walked over that spot a thousand times.  How it got there I don't even know.  I called the children in and asked Davin to say another prayer thanking Heavenly Father for helping us find the important envelope.  He did, as I cried throughout the prayer.  I later thanked Heavenly Father, on my own, for teaching me a valuable lesson.  I sobbed through the entire prayer.  I was humbled.  Because I was humbled I was able
able to grow and learn what he wanted me to learn.

I am thankful that Heavenly Father took the time to help me remember He was and is always there.  He loves us even when we are angry with Him for whatever reason.  I also learned that its okay to be honest to Heavenly Father in our shortcomings.  He loves us no matter what our weaknesses are and he wants to help us refine ourselves.  He doesn't want us to feel alone, although in this life it is easy to feel alone. 

I testify that He is there for us no matter what.  If we reach out to Him, He will help us find what we think is impossible to find.  This lesson also taught me to always be thankful.  When I said "Thank you" to Him it was like a significant part of my anger went away.  By saying thank you part of me was healed.  He is there waiting to help you.  He wants you to be happy.  He wants to heal our hearts.  
 

Davin

Since it was Davin's birthday this week I decided I would talk about him.  He is definitely my little helper.  He also has his moments where he knows exactly how to push my buttons.  I love him so much.

I didn't know I was pregnant until I made a trip to the ER in Arizona.  I had terrible pain on my side, had heartburn so bad I couldn't sleep, and I was waking up drenched in sweat.  My mom was concerned because she had had a tubal pregnancy and it sounded to her much like that.  I felt miserable.  So we went, the test showed positive, but they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound.  After 12 terrible hours waiting in the hospital waiting room, we were told it was a miscarriage and I just needed to go home and wait to bleed.  I was devastated.  I cried all the way home.  I kept saying "Am I not ready to be a mother, Heavenly Father?  Do I not deserve this?  What did I do wrong?"  We got home from the hospital about 1 am and had to work at 4:30 the next morning.  I was exhausted.  After another week, with no sign I had miscarried, I took another test and sure enough it was still positive.

I found a doula and at 16 weeks they couldn't get a heartbeat.  I began to panic.  What if I wasn't pregnant?  I could feel him moving, but what if it wasn't a baby?  What if it was a cancer? What was happening to me?  I had nightmares for several weeks leading up to the ultrasound that when they looked it wasn't a baby but some large cancer.  I was so anxious to get the ultrasound over with.  I wanted to know if I was going to have a baby or die.  In April we found out we were having a boy!!!  My fears vanished.  I was so excited.  My dream was coming true, I was becoming a MOM!

At the end of May I moved from Arizona to Idaho.  I did a 15 hour trip in one day, at just over 6 months pregnant.  My doula suggested I take it very slow and move around a lot, because blood clots could form and that would not be good.  I felt pressure to just get home.  During the trip my left leg swelled up and hurt a lot.  I kept saying I felt like I needed to walk more, my leg was beginning to worry me.  But we didn't we kept going.  When I got to my parents' home I was tired and my leg stayed swollen for several days. 

My mom and my siblings walked a lot with me those last few months of my pregnancy.  At the end of August, both my legs were so swollen.  You could press on my leg and it would stay indented for hours.  I laughed, but my wise mother was concerned.  She made me put my feet up as much as possible.  On my next doctor appointment I had gained 10lbs in a week and with how swollen my legs were they decided to test me for preeclampsia.  Two days of peeing in a jar, and the test came back positive.  They called me at 10 am on Friday the 4th, and had me go to the hospital to start me on Pitocin, and other drugs to keep me from having seizures.  The baby was coming today!!!!

I was so excited to hold this little man.  I was doing great!  When I was dilated to a 7 1/2 I was in no pain and they asked if I wanted an epidural.  I said "but I am not in pain"  they said "if you don't get one now you wont get one and you will want one."  I said "ok, I guess I will do it."  OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Worst mistake of my life!  It was the only time I cried!  He kept saying "Gosh dang it!"  I was having shooting pain down my left leg.  It was terrible.  Then my blood pressure crashed and it stopped my progress.  Everything that could go wrong with an epidural DID!  I hated it.  They had to take me off the drip because it was making my blood pressure crash so I could not have it to push! 

At about 1am on the following morning I began to push!  It wasn't working.  They were trying the vacuum and other tools.  My mom was "pushing with me" so she almost passed out twice.  (hahaha love you mom) It just wasn't working and the doctor kept saying "If this doesn't work we are doing a C-section."  After several pushes, and several more comments about a C-section, I would look down and see the doctor with his head bowed.  I knew he was praying.  He would look up and say ok lets keep trying.  After several more prayers and pushes Davin came into the world.  He was taken quickly.  Nothing went according to the "birth plan"  Davin was limp and not doing well.  The Doctor cut his cord and nurses took him to the heating table.  The doctor kept looking at me and at the baby.  I remember asking if the baby was ok.  And he said "I don't know."  I felt calm, actually probably more tired than calm.  When I started feeling more normal I told the doctor about the bet I had with my sister.  She said she would give me a million dollars if I didn't scream.  So I said to him "Man, I lost a million dollars Dr."  His response set me back and worried me a little bit.  He shook his head and said, without delay, "I just lost 3 years of my life." 

Soon enough Davin was placed in my arms and I fell in love.  His chunky little cheeks, his bright red/orange hair and his little nose.  What a perfect little boy!  He had a hard time with everything because of the magnesium I was on had gotten to him because it was such a long process.  He was lethargic.  He had jaundice.  We stayed 2 nights in the hospital and 2 days later went back in over night because his bilirubin was so high.  21 is where brain damage starts, he was at a 19.  Doctors said it was because of the hard delivery.  He would lay in that light like he was on a beach somewhere.  He was so precious! 

1 week later I went to my doctor complaining of massive headaches.  He said my blood pressure wasn't too high but we would try blood pressure medicine.  I think I took two pills.  Another week passed and I complained about my leg feeling like it was in a constant Charlie horse.  He said "take some magnesium."  I then drove to Boise to do a 5k and have a little party for Davin.  Davin cried all night.  We finally took him for a drive around the block and he went to sleep.  A couple hours later I woke up sat straight up in the bed.  It was about 6am and I could not breath.  I thought standing up would help, but it didn't.  I was starting to panic.  It was getting harder and harder.  Then someone said lay down on your left side!  I did and within a few minutes it passed.  And I passed on the 5k.  Later that night, at Davin's party, it hit again.  First it was in my back,  I asked my husband to pop my back as soon as he walked around me I fell to the ground.  I couldn't breath again.  We called my doctor and he said "It could be heartburn or a blood clot, either way go to the hospital."  On the way to the hospital my husband suggested I put an Aspirin under my tongue.  As we got to the hospital the pain started to subside.  The hospital said "It must be gallbladder attack"  They suggested I have it removed.  Two weeks later another attack.  Back in the hospital.  I told the doctors it felt as if my chest was about to explode. 

5 weeks after delivering Davin I had my gallbladder removed.  The doctor gave me a blood thinner before the procedure.  The doctor said my gallbladder looked normal, but something big could have passed causing my pain.  When I woke up I felt like I had been hit by a TRUCK!!!!  My husband was sick of the hospital and ready to go home.  I told him I didn't think I could go home.  The nurse came in and made me walk around.  My stomach didn't even hurt.  My left leg was killing me, it felt like it was 100 pounds all by itself.  I went home.  Two days later my dad came over and I told him I was in so much pain.  He touched behind my leg and I started to cry.  He said I needed to call my doctor, he thought I had a DVT (deep vein thrombosis)  essentially, a blood clot.  My doctor sent me to the ER.

They did an ultrasound on my leg, and sure enough blood clots throughout my entire leg.  I told them I had a hard time climbing stairs and that it felt like I was having an asthma attack.  They did a CT scan and sure enough I had 3 large clots in my lungs.  3 was the number of breathing attacks I had!  The doctor told me I was his first blood clot patient because he always gives the thinner to prevent clots.  I firmly believe if he hadn't given me the shot I would have died on that table.  I should have died on that table.  I was in so much pain even touching my foot to the ground was so excruciating, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  I spent 4 days in the hospital, on oxygen because my O2 levels were so low.  Because it was during swine flu epidemic my new baby could not come visit me.  I felt so alone.  But the days seemed blurred.

I couldn't carry my son for months.  I had to learn how to walk again.  I was in and out of the hospital with breathing problems throughout December.  One time at Physical Therapy my O2 level dropped to 70, they again rushed me to the ER.  All I wanted was to be a mom and hold my baby, bathe him, show him off to my new friends, all the things new moms are supposed to do. 

Davin came at a very hard time.  I was having a hard time with my illness, my parents were separating and my siblings were having a hard time coping with all the changes.  Davin, from day one was a little love bug.  He cuddled everyone.  At one time when my sister, my mom and I were on my mom's bed Davin waived "I love you" in sign language.  He was our angel. 

About 18 months later, believe it or not, I wanted another baby.  My husband was resistant.  He suggested we pray about adoption.  I felt that adoption was our answer, but not at this time.  When the time finally presented itself, about a year later, we knew it was right.  Rachel and Ameilia joined our family.  Davin calls them "HIS GIRLS".  If I hadn't had such a hard time getting Davin here, we would not have thought about adoption.    He is such a loving kid.  Every time I am sad or feeling sick he is the first to put his hand on my shoulder and tell me it is going to be ok.  I love this kid so much and so thankful he chose me to be his momma!   

 

See what I mean.... HERE MOM, HERE IS MY BOTHER!!! He was crying for you!

 

A BEAUTIFUL LIFE

Over the coarse of my life I have experienced pain.  I have had blood clots in my leg and in my lungs, so painful that I could not walk, or carry my baby anywhere.  I have had surgery to repair a ligament.  I broke my foot in two places, not knowing I had done so, I continued to walk on it for a month.  Broken my wrist, playing basketball, and so on.  But this last year I experienced something different.  I have never experienced such pain before.  If you were to ask me today what word I would use to describe this past year I would most definitely say "PAIN".  

The pain of abandonment, betrayal, and loneliness filled my heart and mind.  Pain I didn't know would cause such torment of body and soul.  When things first unraveled I was in shock and didn't believe what was happening.  After a brief telephone conversation with my husband, I knew without a doubt there was nothing I could do, and it was indeed over.  I knelt down beside my bed that night and prayed.  I do not remember asking for us to be ok.  I just remember telling my Heavenly Father what had happened and closed my prayer.  I stayed on my knees waiting for peace, waiting for someone to wake me up and announce it was a dream.  Instead my Heavenly Father responded to me.  He first promised me that my life would be BEAUTIFUL, and asked that I let him take care of my husband.  I climbed into bed and my son, still asleep, said "Mom, you are going to be ok, we will all be ok."  My little 3 year old boy, brought me to tears.  That was the first time I cried about what was happening.  His sweet little spirit knew he needed to comfort me.  That was the first sign my life would be BEAUTIFUL.  At that time he seemed so big to me and then I look at this picture and realize he is so tiny, but his spirit is the giant I get to see every so often. 

Before this last year I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the atonement and its purpose.  It was for when I sinned and did things I shouldn't and to allow Christ to help me repent and come back into the presence of our Heavenly Father.  Which, I might add, is true.  However, that is NOT its sole purpose.  He suffered our PAINS, our AFFLICTIONS, both spiritual and physical.  Even writing this I am kind of like yeah, yeah.  However, without the "PAIN" this last year I would not understand what pain our Savior really suffered and why he suffered it. 

I remember it was sometime in October, and I was getting ready to go to a church activity.  I was getting ready when all of a sudden this emotional pain hit.  I started to cry and scream out in pain.  It brought me to my knees.  I felt terrible.  I was consumed by this unbearable pain.  I went into my closet and shut the door, fell to the ground and began crying out loud, saying "Why does this feel so terrible?  Why am I having such a hard time with this?  I don't think I can deal with this type of pain." At that point a voice whispered something that still brings me to tears, and makes my heart full of gratitude and humility at the sacrifice of my Savior in Gethsemane.  He said "When your Savior suffered for you, he went into this same position.  He knows how painful it is to experience what you are going through."  I immediately stopped crying and stood up.  I finished getting ready and went to the activity with less of a burden than I had had in months.  I still look back at this moment as the moment my life shifted.  Pain still existed, and frankly some days are still hard.  But when I realized that my Savior had indeed suffered so I could get through my pain, my days didn't seem as dark. 

I wrote in my journal:  Ok, so here is what I am thinking.  Maybe, my Savior died in his pain fulfilling the atonement so I wouldn't have to die in my pain, because he suffered greatly, even more than I can comprehend, allowing him to heal my suffering.  Because he LOVED me.  The love that fulfilled the atonement is what will heal my pain.  Because it was for me. 
(its kind of jumbled I know but I wanted to share the raw feelings I was feeling at that moment)

In the Hymn book, hymn number 85 "How Firm a Foundation"  the third verse reads "Fear not I am with thee; oh be not dismayed, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid.  I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.  These words struck me as I realized, I was literally able to stand when I realized He was with me, He had been there before.  He knew my PAIN, he understood the sorrow of my heart. 

I testify that our Heavenly Father and Savior love us.  That they send angels to walk with us daily.  They guide us with loving hands and arms holding us up, strengthening us.  It DOES NOT matter whether the pain we are suffering is because of things we have done or things others have done to us, they love us and desire to help us. 

My life is indeed beautiful.  It is nothing I imagined as a child, but it is more beautiful than I could have imagined.  I have four beautiful, funny, intelligent little angels that I get to hold and walk with daily on this journey called life.  I am excited for what the adventure our BEAUTIFUL lives will have in store for us.

 

Moving FORWARD

I sat across the room from a man whom I loved dearly.  I explained how much I loved him and every reason I had love for him.  His face seemed cold.  I didn't understand.  Then my stomach jumped into my throat and my heart vanished.  Pressure seemed to fill my whole body.  I asked what was wrong.  The moments of silence pierced my ears. Each word stung me to the core.  I remember standing to my feet and saying "um, ok."  And I began to gather the things the kids and I would need to live somewhere else.  My sister came to help me pack up our things into my van.  She asked if I was mad at her.  I was in such a state of shock I wasn't registering anything other than those words over and over in my head.  "No you don't get it, I don't want you."  I don't know when those words will ever stop stinging. 

Just after the year mark of that night I had a realization.  I was still in love with the dreams I had for the two of us.  I dreamed of being a stay at home mom, our dates were filled with laughter and tears talking about the children, attending baseball and basketball games, and attending piano recitals.  Those dreams seemed lost in some other world.  I felt that all the happiness I had envisioned, the blessings of being a family, had become an unobtainable gift.  I felt like no matter how hard I worked all was lost.  I yelled at God many nights asking "WHY?!"  I felt that I had tried to make things right I tried to show how much I loved him but it was all in vain because he was gone. 

They say divorce is like a death and you need to grieve properly to move forward in a healthy manner.  I now realize why this is.  All the dreams I had of the two of us died.  They died before I knew they were dead.  I tried to revive them, but in a marriage two should dream then work together to make them work.  My dreams within that marriage were dead as well as my marriage without me even knowing they were.  I think the death of the dreams I had envisioned from the time I was a little girl have been the hardest to get over.  I keep saying "BUT THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!" 

I am sorry to say that many of my prayers begin with  "This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  I  WAS NOT  supposed to be 26 years old with 4 kids ages 3 to 3 months.  I have a hard time seeing pictures of friends with their loving husbands and happy children.  I am not saying their marriages are easy.  I am just saying that envy, like it does to everyone at one time or another, has whispered in my ear all that I am missing out on.  How happy I could be if I was still married.  How blessed my life would be if I had my husband by my side.  All of these whispers are LIES!  I am not held back because of a choice I DIDN'T MAKE.  I am not totally UNABLE to feel happiness because my family isn't full.  My Heavenly Father STILL loves me, REGAURDLESS of my "MARITAL STATUS"

I have always known that angels were there that night my dreams crumbled.  It is the second time in my life that I have seen or felt angels fill a room when I was in need of help.  I did not ask for them to be there for I would have no reason to know what was about to happen.  But my dear Father in Heaven knew what was happening and sent them.  Falling from that emotionally high cliff could have been devastating, however I had angels there to catch me.  I finally had one angel whisper "Time to dream differently.  The sky is the limit.  Do what you want and then you will be able to forgive because you wont be able to blame him for you not accomplishing your dreams.  YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH WHATEVER YOU WANT TO.  SO GO AND DO!" 

I got up and decided "TODAY IS THE DAY!"  It was time to move on.  No more wallowing in my despair over my "LOST" dreams. I decided I wanted to go back to school.  Spend more time with my kids (since daycare costs are ridiculous... 1000$ more than I make)  Reinvent my dreams for my children and myself.  Become the woman I ALWAYS WANTED TO BECOME!!! I don't need to be married to become the woman my Heavenly Father needs me to become.  I can become anything I want to be.  I just have to know that the power is within me and I have to have faith in the Lord that he will help me get there.  

Have faith in yourself.  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  Dream and don't stop dreaming.  Its ok to change your dreams just keep moving forward.  Allow yourself to feel sadness, just don't stay there.  It took me a year to accept the changes that came but I am now more excited than EVER for the road ahead of me!  I believe my Heavenly Father rejoices when we decide hope is better than despair.  I know our Loving Savior suffered our emotional pains as well as our physical pains.  He suffered so he could help us rise above and find new direction and build those stumbling blocks into stepping stones.  I hope you can find your step into your dreams and become the person you want to be and let nothing hold you back.  When I was in college I heard this quote "Every second gives us the chance to turn it all around."  DREAM BIG AND DON'T LET ANYTHING HOLD YOU BACK.  

 

FEAR

Fear is debilitating.  It stops us cold in our tracks.  I have embraced fear over my lifetime.  I have allowed fear to control my life.  I HATE IT!!!!  I push people away because I fear what they will do to me or how I would fail them.  Fear has sunk its nasty teeth into my skin and I have let it stay and become apart of who I am, instead of beating its head until it lets go of me.  I don't know exactly when fear began to drip its poison into me but it seems like it has been long enough that it seems part of me.  TODAY I BEAT THE UGLY BEAST IN THE HEAD!  NO MORE WILL YOU DRIP YOUR POISION INTO MY BLOOD!!!!

I was molested from ages 8 to 12 and I didn't tell my mom until I was 12.  Fear consumed me.  I was afraid that I carried a big neon sign around my neck and people would hurt me or hate me because of it.  I was so afraid of people I made it my job to blend into my surroundings.  I didn't want to be noticed or even looked at.  I carry fear today that the neon sign is still blazing its ugly warning.  I hated how I felt. I felt not good enough for anyone or anything.  Fear that family members would find out and never talk to me again consumed my every thought, at family outings I would try not to look at people.


I tried looking back, after my divorce, to see who I really was and what type of person I am.  And realized I HAVE NO IDEA!!! Fear has been my life.  I look back to what type of child I was when I was eight and I see a happy, vibrant, spunky little girl.  I don't remember fear.  I remember making people laugh on the playground.  I remember having a lot of friends.  I let darkness consume me.  I let fear control me. 


I dated a guy who was physically and verbally abusive.  I applied for USU and really wanted to go.  This boyfriend said "You aren't smart enough to get in to USU."  A few weeks later I got my acceptance letter.  And fear showed its nasty head again.  I couldn't go.  I wasn't smart enough.  I couldn't go to the school and fail, what if I failed.  I cant go and be all alone where I don't know anyone!  My dad sat me down and gave me a "FEAR" speech.  One that I have not forgotten.  One that has helped me, more since my divorce than it ever did before it. 

He told me "sometimes fear keeps us from doing stupid things.  But sometimes fear keeps us from doing the RIGHT things.  Don't let fear hold you back from a great experience."  I am sure most of his words were trying to get me to go to Utah to get away from jerk face.   But it didn't happen. 

Here is my "Fear Speech"  I have shared this over and over with friends.  Now is the time I share it with everyone and make myself listen.  I am sorry in advance to those have heard this before.

Being afraid is a terrible feeling.  It holds us back.  It binds us to keep us safe.  Yet when we let go of fear and express faith by stepping out of the safety net we have created, we can experience a different level of safety and joy we have not yet experienced.  Peter walked on water, towards our Savior who called for him to do so.  And fear began to sink his teeth into Peter.  Fear began to whisper  "No way!! This body of water has swallowed the lives of men, there is no way you can WALK on it!  You are not powerful enough to do so.  You lack the power and faith to be able to walk on these waters."  And Peter, even with the Savior of the world before him, began to sink.  Why?  Not because his faith failed him, but because he put his mind on his doubts and fears before he could say, "Wait! Know ye not who I am?  My Master has called me out to do this.  My power and ability do to this lies within him, and my faith within Him."  Peter gave into his fear and the Savior saved him from drowning.
 

Many times I feel the wave of fear begin to wash over me attempting to drown me.  However, I was not destined to drowned,  I too was called to walk on the water.  The fear I try not to drown in is the fear of having a new relationship and failing that one as well.  My wave of fear says things like this to me almost every day, multiple times a day.  "It didn't work out last time what makes you think it can work out a different time?  You felt good about marrying your ex husband, if you feel good about marrying another man it wont work out either.  I feel paralyzed as it begins to consume me and I begin to drown in my fears.  I am sure Peter felt paralyzed by his fear as he began to sink.  And our Savior lovingly saved him, as he will each of us, from his fear. 


I recently prayed about this man I am dating and said "I don't feel confident in praying about him being the right one."  I chose to be honest with my Father in Heaven.  What happened next I was not expecting.  "Its ok not to feel confident right now.  But he is in your life for a reason."  It hit me Heavenly Father basically answered as he lifted me and said "Its ok to be afraid,  but exercise faith and trust that there is a reason."  He showed patience in my short comings and love as he encourages me to keep pressing forward.  Because only HE knows the reason. 

I cannot let the wave of fear continue to beat me.  I have the power to walk on water and stand up for who I am, who I was created to be.  My former bishop said this to me at one point when I was feeling especially low.  "Remember, this pain is temporary, Heavenly Father has trusted you for ETERNITY."  Heavenly Father trusted I could walk on water, He knew I would be able to conquer my wave of fear.  He has trusted me throughout time to walk on this water, to control the waves of fear.  He has put His trust in me to break free and help others walk on their water. The man I am dating said something to this effect "you wish people wouldn't see you, you don't want to be noticed or called out.  You desperately want to fade into the background.  Yet something inside wants out, wants attention."  EVERYTHING HE SAID IS SPOT ON!!!!  My Heavenly Father doesn't want me to blend in, the light that he created me with, is begging to get out.  It doesn't want me to forget it is there, it wants me to remember the happiness it brings when I feel its warmth.

I am not what has happened to me,  I did not fail because of the pain that has happened to me.  I did not fail because I have been abused, I did not fail because I am divorced.  I am simply learning to have more faith in my Heavenly Father and his trust in me to WALK ON WATER.

I am STRONG, HAPPY, VIBRANT, and full of HOPE.  I love people and want that to be seen.  I need to embrace my light, not try to hide my darkness.  I will not allow fear to snuff out the light that is within me.  My Father created me, and you, to embrace the light within.  Accept fear but remember, we control it, it is not meant to control us!

MY LITTLE ANGEL

Today I was not in the best place in my head. I was feeling all alone, angry, and unsure of what I am to do in the next weeks, even months ahead.  Feelings of failure started to cloud my mind as I washed the dishes listening to music.  Then Michael McLean's song "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours" started playing.  The emotion I felt about my two beautiful girls began to flood my eyes.  As I bowed away from the sink in tears I saw my son with his arms pointing up to me,  I knelt down to this little angel and picked him up.  As he snuggled up on my shoulder I began, for the hundredth time this week, to recall the miracle he is.  Here is his story.

My son Davin was born, and I developed blood clots in my left leg and lungs.  So about 18 months later when I went to my husband and said "I wanna have more kids!"  you can understand his hesitation.  I should have died multiple times, and he was nervous having more children would be the end of me.  So he said "let's pray and see if we should adopt."  We did.  Every time we prayed I heard the same response: "Yes adoption is right, but not right now."  Every time I would get up from the prayer I would look at the foot of the bed, see the crib and a DARK haired little boy and he would say "Mom, just get things ready for me to come."  I would sometimes sit on my bed and ask  "God, seriously?  Is my son going to be 15 before we get to adopt?"  I would learn my lesson in asking God that question just over a year later.  I assumed we would be adopting a dark hair little boy because of the little boy I saw in the crib, because his hair was so dark and Davin's hair had been so red.  Here is a picture of Davin at about 10 days old.

 

 

A year later I was telling my dad about my answer and my frustration with it.  He said "Why don't  you pray to see if you should have more of your own natural children."  We did.  And I think I was shocked that the answer was "YES!"  The month after we received our answer I had some problems, went to my doctor and found out that my IUD had moved through my uterus and into my abdomen wall.  We scheduled surgery to remove it.  I had a tremendous amount of anxiety.  It was scheduled for April the 13th.  I have had 3 relatives die on the 13th of a couple months.  I was supposed to have died the last surgery I had.  I remember laughing about how I was going to die because the lottery was 130 million!  ANOTHER 13!!!  I remember praying that I would either die, or get up from the surgery like nothing had happened.  I begged my Father in Heaven to not let me wake up like I had the last surgery.  That pain was unbearable.  He answered my prayer.  I woke up and as soon as I did I was eager to get up and out of there.

Exactly a month after the surgery, my sister announced that she could no longer care for her children.  They were looking to give their daughters more than they could offer.  2 weeks later Rachel and Ameilia came into our home.  About 6 weeks later I got my first positive pregnancy test.  I was 2 weeks late, had taken a hundred tests, all saying "no".  A guy at work asked if I was pregnant I said "no! I cant be I just got the girls."  He said "Nope, I have a feeling you are pregnant."  I laughed.  He told me to wait another 3 days to take the test.  I did and sure enough I WAS PREGNANT!!

When I was 14 weeks we had a birthday party for Davin and played a slide show of the kids.  It ended with  "In a galaxy far far away, GOD has a sense of humor!  COMING MARCH 2013..."  I was so nervous,  we hadn't told anyone I was pregnant.  And when the picture of my ultrasound came up I heard lots of comments, but the one I remember the most was "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!!"  I still laugh.  I then got up and said "in our defense today we have had the girls 14 weeks, and on Wednesday I am 14 weeks pregnant."  I still laugh about how we announced it and how shocked everyone was,  I think I am still shocked I went from 1 to 4 kids overnight!

 At one point far into the pregnancy I expressed concern to my husband about him leaving town because I hadn't felt the baby move.  He reassured me it was ok.  I had tried drinking orange juice, nothing.  After the second day of only feeling him move once, I went to the ER by myself.  I was terrified about what was going to happen.  Terrified, that if Zae was gone I would be there alone.  I remember walking up to the hospital and having the feeling "you are doing this by yourself for a reason."  I did not know what that reason was until right this moment.  I was showing myself I was strong enough to do these hard things by myself.  Why? Because I am walking with angels around me.  They are whispering words of strength, light and hope.  They are carrying me.

Zae showed me how 13 was actually a lucky number.  He was born 3/13/13 at 13:15  weighing 6 lbs 7 oz. = total of 13, circumference of his head was 13.  My mom, before I saw Zae, said "He has DARK hair just like you knew he would."  This is Zae at 10 days.

  When he was just over 13 weeks my world crumbled.  I remember looking at the ceiling and saying "Why would Zae choose to come into this?  He told me to get ready so he could come.  He had to have known what was going to happen."  Another angel whispered "HE CHOSE YOU.  We were all saved for this time, where Satan is attacking the family, and HE CHOSE YOU to guide him through this." Reading this again seems overwhelming, but I remember the spirit of what was said and it was said with hope and strength.  Lifting my burden not weighing it down. 

Mr. Zae, YOU are my angel.  You are my happiness angel.  When the world seems dark and heavy, I think of your little spirit telling me to get ready for you.  I had to prepare for one of the greatest little angels to come into my life.  I don't know what I did to prepare but I am glad I did, so I get to hold you every day.  I am thankful your favorite word is "WOW", because wow is what I have said almost everyday since I found out you were coming.  I am thankful you chose to be my angel of happiness and light as I entered my tunnel of darkness. 

My angel, My Grandpa

My grandpa was a strong, gentle, loving person.  I have many great memories of him.  Most of my memories are of his favorite place, the cabin at Birch Creek.  He always wrapped his arms around me, asked how I was, and gave me advice to stay away from boys.  I always knew he loved me.  I still picture him as a quiet man, with a contagious laugh.  I remember the first time I really heard him belly laugh we were at great grandma Manning's house, she had made us bread and jam to take home, I don't remember what was said but he was laughing harder than I had ever seen him laugh.  Getting into the car to leave that night I told my mom "I think that is the best laugh I have ever heard." 

In 2005 my grandpa was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  I was able to go to the Emergency Room to see him, when he was first sick.   I remember walking into the hospital and not sure what was really happening, when I saw my uncle crying I lost it.  Grandma took me in to see grandpa in his sheet walled room.  He held my hand and talked to me for about a half hour.  I listened intently because I had never had a connection like this with him.   He told me what kind of person I was, and how happy I would make people around me.  He explained how I needed to help others feel comfortable with who they were.  I needed to show them love and kindness, be a support to them.  He told me that each person who comes into my life is there for a reason, and usually the reason is they need kindness and I am to provide that. He told me many things that had been stated in a blessing I had received 4 years earlier.  I remember the feeling of his hand holding mine and the love that filled the room at that moment. 

I would visit a couple times between December and the night before he died.  The last time he and I had a conversation, he was frustrated.  He was learning basic things we learn as a child.  He kept saying "I have already learned this, why do I have to do this again?"  I had never seen him frustrated like this.  He was always very level headed and calm.

The morning and days to follow his death our cousins, from all over the country, would tell their stories about how they knew he had died before being told.  Everyone had great experiences.  I felt sad, I remember calling out to him and saying "Please say goodbye to me."  I would not receive what I was hoping for, for 7 years.  I had not known it but he had become my angel.

This week was his birthday and would turn my thoughts to the amazing experience I have had with him over the last few months, and the gratitude I have for him in allowing me to know he IS THERE FOR ME.  The moments my world dissolved would prove that he was beside me.  On my drive to my mom's house I knew it was my grandpa that was beside me.  I had taken a wrong exit and fog began to fill my windshield.  My grandpa's voice came to me and said "your life is going through its own fog right now but I promise it will clear and you will see everything.  Call grandma Joan she has lived through this very thing. She will be a great support to you as you journey through this."

He had been married twice before meeting grandma Joan.  Grandma would say he was her Romeo and he would respond by saying "well it took me a while to find my Juliet."  They were great example of love and support to one another.  Grandma Joan treats me as if I am her own grandchild.  I am thankful that in this point in my life I can turn to her for advice.  She will email or text something to me and it will be just what I needed.  My grandma and grandpa have helped me together, each on different sides of the veil.  He was the first to provide light on my entrance into my darkness.  His light was that of HOPE.