FEAR

Fear is debilitating.  It stops us cold in our tracks.  I have embraced fear over my lifetime.  I have allowed fear to control my life.  I HATE IT!!!!  I push people away because I fear what they will do to me or how I would fail them.  Fear has sunk its nasty teeth into my skin and I have let it stay and become apart of who I am, instead of beating its head until it lets go of me.  I don't know exactly when fear began to drip its poison into me but it seems like it has been long enough that it seems part of me.  TODAY I BEAT THE UGLY BEAST IN THE HEAD!  NO MORE WILL YOU DRIP YOUR POISION INTO MY BLOOD!!!!

I was molested from ages 8 to 12 and I didn't tell my mom until I was 12.  Fear consumed me.  I was afraid that I carried a big neon sign around my neck and people would hurt me or hate me because of it.  I was so afraid of people I made it my job to blend into my surroundings.  I didn't want to be noticed or even looked at.  I carry fear today that the neon sign is still blazing its ugly warning.  I hated how I felt. I felt not good enough for anyone or anything.  Fear that family members would find out and never talk to me again consumed my every thought, at family outings I would try not to look at people.


I tried looking back, after my divorce, to see who I really was and what type of person I am.  And realized I HAVE NO IDEA!!! Fear has been my life.  I look back to what type of child I was when I was eight and I see a happy, vibrant, spunky little girl.  I don't remember fear.  I remember making people laugh on the playground.  I remember having a lot of friends.  I let darkness consume me.  I let fear control me. 


I dated a guy who was physically and verbally abusive.  I applied for USU and really wanted to go.  This boyfriend said "You aren't smart enough to get in to USU."  A few weeks later I got my acceptance letter.  And fear showed its nasty head again.  I couldn't go.  I wasn't smart enough.  I couldn't go to the school and fail, what if I failed.  I cant go and be all alone where I don't know anyone!  My dad sat me down and gave me a "FEAR" speech.  One that I have not forgotten.  One that has helped me, more since my divorce than it ever did before it. 

He told me "sometimes fear keeps us from doing stupid things.  But sometimes fear keeps us from doing the RIGHT things.  Don't let fear hold you back from a great experience."  I am sure most of his words were trying to get me to go to Utah to get away from jerk face.   But it didn't happen. 

Here is my "Fear Speech"  I have shared this over and over with friends.  Now is the time I share it with everyone and make myself listen.  I am sorry in advance to those have heard this before.

Being afraid is a terrible feeling.  It holds us back.  It binds us to keep us safe.  Yet when we let go of fear and express faith by stepping out of the safety net we have created, we can experience a different level of safety and joy we have not yet experienced.  Peter walked on water, towards our Savior who called for him to do so.  And fear began to sink his teeth into Peter.  Fear began to whisper  "No way!! This body of water has swallowed the lives of men, there is no way you can WALK on it!  You are not powerful enough to do so.  You lack the power and faith to be able to walk on these waters."  And Peter, even with the Savior of the world before him, began to sink.  Why?  Not because his faith failed him, but because he put his mind on his doubts and fears before he could say, "Wait! Know ye not who I am?  My Master has called me out to do this.  My power and ability do to this lies within him, and my faith within Him."  Peter gave into his fear and the Savior saved him from drowning.
 

Many times I feel the wave of fear begin to wash over me attempting to drown me.  However, I was not destined to drowned,  I too was called to walk on the water.  The fear I try not to drown in is the fear of having a new relationship and failing that one as well.  My wave of fear says things like this to me almost every day, multiple times a day.  "It didn't work out last time what makes you think it can work out a different time?  You felt good about marrying your ex husband, if you feel good about marrying another man it wont work out either.  I feel paralyzed as it begins to consume me and I begin to drown in my fears.  I am sure Peter felt paralyzed by his fear as he began to sink.  And our Savior lovingly saved him, as he will each of us, from his fear. 


I recently prayed about this man I am dating and said "I don't feel confident in praying about him being the right one."  I chose to be honest with my Father in Heaven.  What happened next I was not expecting.  "Its ok not to feel confident right now.  But he is in your life for a reason."  It hit me Heavenly Father basically answered as he lifted me and said "Its ok to be afraid,  but exercise faith and trust that there is a reason."  He showed patience in my short comings and love as he encourages me to keep pressing forward.  Because only HE knows the reason. 

I cannot let the wave of fear continue to beat me.  I have the power to walk on water and stand up for who I am, who I was created to be.  My former bishop said this to me at one point when I was feeling especially low.  "Remember, this pain is temporary, Heavenly Father has trusted you for ETERNITY."  Heavenly Father trusted I could walk on water, He knew I would be able to conquer my wave of fear.  He has trusted me throughout time to walk on this water, to control the waves of fear.  He has put His trust in me to break free and help others walk on their water. The man I am dating said something to this effect "you wish people wouldn't see you, you don't want to be noticed or called out.  You desperately want to fade into the background.  Yet something inside wants out, wants attention."  EVERYTHING HE SAID IS SPOT ON!!!!  My Heavenly Father doesn't want me to blend in, the light that he created me with, is begging to get out.  It doesn't want me to forget it is there, it wants me to remember the happiness it brings when I feel its warmth.

I am not what has happened to me,  I did not fail because of the pain that has happened to me.  I did not fail because I have been abused, I did not fail because I am divorced.  I am simply learning to have more faith in my Heavenly Father and his trust in me to WALK ON WATER.

I am STRONG, HAPPY, VIBRANT, and full of HOPE.  I love people and want that to be seen.  I need to embrace my light, not try to hide my darkness.  I will not allow fear to snuff out the light that is within me.  My Father created me, and you, to embrace the light within.  Accept fear but remember, we control it, it is not meant to control us!

My angel, My Grandpa

My grandpa was a strong, gentle, loving person.  I have many great memories of him.  Most of my memories are of his favorite place, the cabin at Birch Creek.  He always wrapped his arms around me, asked how I was, and gave me advice to stay away from boys.  I always knew he loved me.  I still picture him as a quiet man, with a contagious laugh.  I remember the first time I really heard him belly laugh we were at great grandma Manning's house, she had made us bread and jam to take home, I don't remember what was said but he was laughing harder than I had ever seen him laugh.  Getting into the car to leave that night I told my mom "I think that is the best laugh I have ever heard." 

In 2005 my grandpa was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  I was able to go to the Emergency Room to see him, when he was first sick.   I remember walking into the hospital and not sure what was really happening, when I saw my uncle crying I lost it.  Grandma took me in to see grandpa in his sheet walled room.  He held my hand and talked to me for about a half hour.  I listened intently because I had never had a connection like this with him.   He told me what kind of person I was, and how happy I would make people around me.  He explained how I needed to help others feel comfortable with who they were.  I needed to show them love and kindness, be a support to them.  He told me that each person who comes into my life is there for a reason, and usually the reason is they need kindness and I am to provide that. He told me many things that had been stated in a blessing I had received 4 years earlier.  I remember the feeling of his hand holding mine and the love that filled the room at that moment. 

I would visit a couple times between December and the night before he died.  The last time he and I had a conversation, he was frustrated.  He was learning basic things we learn as a child.  He kept saying "I have already learned this, why do I have to do this again?"  I had never seen him frustrated like this.  He was always very level headed and calm.

The morning and days to follow his death our cousins, from all over the country, would tell their stories about how they knew he had died before being told.  Everyone had great experiences.  I felt sad, I remember calling out to him and saying "Please say goodbye to me."  I would not receive what I was hoping for, for 7 years.  I had not known it but he had become my angel.

This week was his birthday and would turn my thoughts to the amazing experience I have had with him over the last few months, and the gratitude I have for him in allowing me to know he IS THERE FOR ME.  The moments my world dissolved would prove that he was beside me.  On my drive to my mom's house I knew it was my grandpa that was beside me.  I had taken a wrong exit and fog began to fill my windshield.  My grandpa's voice came to me and said "your life is going through its own fog right now but I promise it will clear and you will see everything.  Call grandma Joan she has lived through this very thing. She will be a great support to you as you journey through this."

He had been married twice before meeting grandma Joan.  Grandma would say he was her Romeo and he would respond by saying "well it took me a while to find my Juliet."  They were great example of love and support to one another.  Grandma Joan treats me as if I am her own grandchild.  I am thankful that in this point in my life I can turn to her for advice.  She will email or text something to me and it will be just what I needed.  My grandma and grandpa have helped me together, each on different sides of the veil.  He was the first to provide light on my entrance into my darkness.  His light was that of HOPE. 

A light in the Darkness

Today while at church, I got lost in the thoughts of what has happened over the last year.  A year ago yesterday, my aunt and cousin threw a baby shower for me.  My life, I felt, was beautiful.  I now had four beautiful children.  I loved being at home with them, but was struggling figuring everything out.  My husband was gone a lot.  So I was trying to figure out the schedule of nursing, feeding the kids, changing 3 kids' diapers, putting dinner on the table and sleeping.  It all felt extremely overwhelming and exciting at the same time.  I was trying to figure out the balance of my new life. 

A few months before giving birth to my beautiful little boy I would be cooking dinner, and on several occasions I would feel a quiet voice say "Your life is about to become beautiful.  The light at the end of the tunnel is near, keep pushing."  At this time I was frustrated and even angry at the amount of time my husband was gone, because he would promise to be home for certain activities and never come.  He was home maybe once a weekend a month.  I was dilated to a 5 four weeks away from my due date and he was traveling to Florida,  I was terrified the baby would come and he would not be there.  I wanted him there by my side, the way he was with our oldest.  I was scared to be alone during that time.  I prepared an emergency contact list with people close by and the order in which to call them if I did need to go.  However, it  did work out that he was there for the delivery of our son. 

At home, after Zae came into our lives, I felt like I was looking at was happening from an above view.  I let everything happen.  I think I was in a state of shock, or sleep deprivation. I was now a 26 year old mother of 4 children, ages 3 and under.  I remember three distinct times, while feeding my sweet baby before the other kids were awake, hearing a voice say "Your life is about to change, like a car accident, you will lose someone you love.  You will be ok."  I almost died after delivery of my first child.  Actually, I should have died at least 4 times.  So I remember holding Zae as if he was not going to be with me for very long.  I was frightened and yet felt at peace.  On those days that I heard "my life was about to change" I again heard the voice repeat what it had told me once before: "YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NEAR."  It was now more clear and strong.  I felt confused by these two feelings, that seemingly contradicted one another.  I remember my dad visited one day and I told him about the feeling about the light coming.  I also expressed my anger at how I didn't want to wait anymore.  I felt alone and lost how could the light possibly come?    Like a wise father my dad responded with "then trust it will come and let go of the anger." 

The thoughts today seemed to sting my soul.  Why would He tell me?  Why would He tell me the light was coming, if in 2 months, we would have to leave our home.   We would have to start our lives over.  Did He want me to know He trusted me?  Did He want me to know I was going to be ok?
Was He telling me to be calm and trust him. That even though I would lose someone, there would be light at the end of the dark tunnel?  How could He promise something so great and yet know my life was about to become a darkness that I had never experienced before.  The light at the end of the tunnel was near? How could that be, I was about to step into the tunnel!!

 I still do not have all the answers to my questions.  However, I do believe my Heavenly Father wanted me to know, He understood the situation I was in.  He knew I had my little ones, He knew that I would have a hard time.  But he wanted to give me HOPE.  He wanted me to know that no matter how dark the tunnel was I WOULD FIND THE LIGHT.  I have found friends along the way (my angels) that want to help me through the tunnel.  I have received many enlightening things that have helped light my tunnel in the darkness I find myself in. 

One friend and I have discussed how everything has its symbolism in the big picture.   We talked about how we can become the "light of the world" Matthew 5:14 kjv bible.  He was very wise in his words and provided more light on my path.  "Light symbolizes many things.  It symbolizes purity, warmth, companionship, etc.  We are drawn to it because of those things it makes us feel like.  When we are to be the "light" we are to be something of great value to those around us - to be warm, inviting, a sympathizing companion, and strive for purity."  I thought over these words for several hours and as I began writing this post. My answer hit.  HE PROMISED ME warm, inviting, sympathizing companions.  As I strive for purity and try to provide those things for others the light at the end of my tunnel grows.  

Being a parent teaches us how our Father in Heaven feels about us.  His patience that he has with us and the patience we share with our little ones as they try to walk, run, ride bikes, drive their own cars.  We have to have patience with our children as they learn these tasks and we hold them when they cry but we encourage them to keep trying.  Our Father in Heaven sends his angels to walk with us, hold us and even embrace us as we fall, learn and get back up.  He wants us to have hope.  I remember seeing this picture of Christ carrying a lamb over his shoulders and I began to cry. 

The meaning of this picture had never hit me before.  First he finds us, he knows the way back is hard and not level ground.  So he carries us.  He picks us up gently, and carries us HOME.  My Father was indeed trying to provide hope.  He sent angels to whisper "light is coming".  Not that I was lost, but I would feel lost as I began my journey to find who my Father in Heaven sees me as, who he needs me to become.  To help others find the light in their own path of darkness in this dark world we live in.  He is sending angels to "light" our paths.  As we help others, and become their light our light grows.  "Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."  JOHN 8:12.