FEAR

Fear is debilitating.  It stops us cold in our tracks.  I have embraced fear over my lifetime.  I have allowed fear to control my life.  I HATE IT!!!!  I push people away because I fear what they will do to me or how I would fail them.  Fear has sunk its nasty teeth into my skin and I have let it stay and become apart of who I am, instead of beating its head until it lets go of me.  I don't know exactly when fear began to drip its poison into me but it seems like it has been long enough that it seems part of me.  TODAY I BEAT THE UGLY BEAST IN THE HEAD!  NO MORE WILL YOU DRIP YOUR POISION INTO MY BLOOD!!!!

I was molested from ages 8 to 12 and I didn't tell my mom until I was 12.  Fear consumed me.  I was afraid that I carried a big neon sign around my neck and people would hurt me or hate me because of it.  I was so afraid of people I made it my job to blend into my surroundings.  I didn't want to be noticed or even looked at.  I carry fear today that the neon sign is still blazing its ugly warning.  I hated how I felt. I felt not good enough for anyone or anything.  Fear that family members would find out and never talk to me again consumed my every thought, at family outings I would try not to look at people.


I tried looking back, after my divorce, to see who I really was and what type of person I am.  And realized I HAVE NO IDEA!!! Fear has been my life.  I look back to what type of child I was when I was eight and I see a happy, vibrant, spunky little girl.  I don't remember fear.  I remember making people laugh on the playground.  I remember having a lot of friends.  I let darkness consume me.  I let fear control me. 


I dated a guy who was physically and verbally abusive.  I applied for USU and really wanted to go.  This boyfriend said "You aren't smart enough to get in to USU."  A few weeks later I got my acceptance letter.  And fear showed its nasty head again.  I couldn't go.  I wasn't smart enough.  I couldn't go to the school and fail, what if I failed.  I cant go and be all alone where I don't know anyone!  My dad sat me down and gave me a "FEAR" speech.  One that I have not forgotten.  One that has helped me, more since my divorce than it ever did before it. 

He told me "sometimes fear keeps us from doing stupid things.  But sometimes fear keeps us from doing the RIGHT things.  Don't let fear hold you back from a great experience."  I am sure most of his words were trying to get me to go to Utah to get away from jerk face.   But it didn't happen. 

Here is my "Fear Speech"  I have shared this over and over with friends.  Now is the time I share it with everyone and make myself listen.  I am sorry in advance to those have heard this before.

Being afraid is a terrible feeling.  It holds us back.  It binds us to keep us safe.  Yet when we let go of fear and express faith by stepping out of the safety net we have created, we can experience a different level of safety and joy we have not yet experienced.  Peter walked on water, towards our Savior who called for him to do so.  And fear began to sink his teeth into Peter.  Fear began to whisper  "No way!! This body of water has swallowed the lives of men, there is no way you can WALK on it!  You are not powerful enough to do so.  You lack the power and faith to be able to walk on these waters."  And Peter, even with the Savior of the world before him, began to sink.  Why?  Not because his faith failed him, but because he put his mind on his doubts and fears before he could say, "Wait! Know ye not who I am?  My Master has called me out to do this.  My power and ability do to this lies within him, and my faith within Him."  Peter gave into his fear and the Savior saved him from drowning.
 

Many times I feel the wave of fear begin to wash over me attempting to drown me.  However, I was not destined to drowned,  I too was called to walk on the water.  The fear I try not to drown in is the fear of having a new relationship and failing that one as well.  My wave of fear says things like this to me almost every day, multiple times a day.  "It didn't work out last time what makes you think it can work out a different time?  You felt good about marrying your ex husband, if you feel good about marrying another man it wont work out either.  I feel paralyzed as it begins to consume me and I begin to drown in my fears.  I am sure Peter felt paralyzed by his fear as he began to sink.  And our Savior lovingly saved him, as he will each of us, from his fear. 


I recently prayed about this man I am dating and said "I don't feel confident in praying about him being the right one."  I chose to be honest with my Father in Heaven.  What happened next I was not expecting.  "Its ok not to feel confident right now.  But he is in your life for a reason."  It hit me Heavenly Father basically answered as he lifted me and said "Its ok to be afraid,  but exercise faith and trust that there is a reason."  He showed patience in my short comings and love as he encourages me to keep pressing forward.  Because only HE knows the reason. 

I cannot let the wave of fear continue to beat me.  I have the power to walk on water and stand up for who I am, who I was created to be.  My former bishop said this to me at one point when I was feeling especially low.  "Remember, this pain is temporary, Heavenly Father has trusted you for ETERNITY."  Heavenly Father trusted I could walk on water, He knew I would be able to conquer my wave of fear.  He has trusted me throughout time to walk on this water, to control the waves of fear.  He has put His trust in me to break free and help others walk on their water. The man I am dating said something to this effect "you wish people wouldn't see you, you don't want to be noticed or called out.  You desperately want to fade into the background.  Yet something inside wants out, wants attention."  EVERYTHING HE SAID IS SPOT ON!!!!  My Heavenly Father doesn't want me to blend in, the light that he created me with, is begging to get out.  It doesn't want me to forget it is there, it wants me to remember the happiness it brings when I feel its warmth.

I am not what has happened to me,  I did not fail because of the pain that has happened to me.  I did not fail because I have been abused, I did not fail because I am divorced.  I am simply learning to have more faith in my Heavenly Father and his trust in me to WALK ON WATER.

I am STRONG, HAPPY, VIBRANT, and full of HOPE.  I love people and want that to be seen.  I need to embrace my light, not try to hide my darkness.  I will not allow fear to snuff out the light that is within me.  My Father created me, and you, to embrace the light within.  Accept fear but remember, we control it, it is not meant to control us!