A BEAUTIFUL LIFE

Over the coarse of my life I have experienced pain.  I have had blood clots in my leg and in my lungs, so painful that I could not walk, or carry my baby anywhere.  I have had surgery to repair a ligament.  I broke my foot in two places, not knowing I had done so, I continued to walk on it for a month.  Broken my wrist, playing basketball, and so on.  But this last year I experienced something different.  I have never experienced such pain before.  If you were to ask me today what word I would use to describe this past year I would most definitely say "PAIN".  

The pain of abandonment, betrayal, and loneliness filled my heart and mind.  Pain I didn't know would cause such torment of body and soul.  When things first unraveled I was in shock and didn't believe what was happening.  After a brief telephone conversation with my husband, I knew without a doubt there was nothing I could do, and it was indeed over.  I knelt down beside my bed that night and prayed.  I do not remember asking for us to be ok.  I just remember telling my Heavenly Father what had happened and closed my prayer.  I stayed on my knees waiting for peace, waiting for someone to wake me up and announce it was a dream.  Instead my Heavenly Father responded to me.  He first promised me that my life would be BEAUTIFUL, and asked that I let him take care of my husband.  I climbed into bed and my son, still asleep, said "Mom, you are going to be ok, we will all be ok."  My little 3 year old boy, brought me to tears.  That was the first time I cried about what was happening.  His sweet little spirit knew he needed to comfort me.  That was the first sign my life would be BEAUTIFUL.  At that time he seemed so big to me and then I look at this picture and realize he is so tiny, but his spirit is the giant I get to see every so often. 

Before this last year I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the atonement and its purpose.  It was for when I sinned and did things I shouldn't and to allow Christ to help me repent and come back into the presence of our Heavenly Father.  Which, I might add, is true.  However, that is NOT its sole purpose.  He suffered our PAINS, our AFFLICTIONS, both spiritual and physical.  Even writing this I am kind of like yeah, yeah.  However, without the "PAIN" this last year I would not understand what pain our Savior really suffered and why he suffered it. 

I remember it was sometime in October, and I was getting ready to go to a church activity.  I was getting ready when all of a sudden this emotional pain hit.  I started to cry and scream out in pain.  It brought me to my knees.  I felt terrible.  I was consumed by this unbearable pain.  I went into my closet and shut the door, fell to the ground and began crying out loud, saying "Why does this feel so terrible?  Why am I having such a hard time with this?  I don't think I can deal with this type of pain." At that point a voice whispered something that still brings me to tears, and makes my heart full of gratitude and humility at the sacrifice of my Savior in Gethsemane.  He said "When your Savior suffered for you, he went into this same position.  He knows how painful it is to experience what you are going through."  I immediately stopped crying and stood up.  I finished getting ready and went to the activity with less of a burden than I had had in months.  I still look back at this moment as the moment my life shifted.  Pain still existed, and frankly some days are still hard.  But when I realized that my Savior had indeed suffered so I could get through my pain, my days didn't seem as dark. 

I wrote in my journal:  Ok, so here is what I am thinking.  Maybe, my Savior died in his pain fulfilling the atonement so I wouldn't have to die in my pain, because he suffered greatly, even more than I can comprehend, allowing him to heal my suffering.  Because he LOVED me.  The love that fulfilled the atonement is what will heal my pain.  Because it was for me. 
(its kind of jumbled I know but I wanted to share the raw feelings I was feeling at that moment)

In the Hymn book, hymn number 85 "How Firm a Foundation"  the third verse reads "Fear not I am with thee; oh be not dismayed, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid.  I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.  These words struck me as I realized, I was literally able to stand when I realized He was with me, He had been there before.  He knew my PAIN, he understood the sorrow of my heart. 

I testify that our Heavenly Father and Savior love us.  That they send angels to walk with us daily.  They guide us with loving hands and arms holding us up, strengthening us.  It DOES NOT matter whether the pain we are suffering is because of things we have done or things others have done to us, they love us and desire to help us. 

My life is indeed beautiful.  It is nothing I imagined as a child, but it is more beautiful than I could have imagined.  I have four beautiful, funny, intelligent little angels that I get to hold and walk with daily on this journey called life.  I am excited for what the adventure our BEAUTIFUL lives will have in store for us.

 

Moving FORWARD

I sat across the room from a man whom I loved dearly.  I explained how much I loved him and every reason I had love for him.  His face seemed cold.  I didn't understand.  Then my stomach jumped into my throat and my heart vanished.  Pressure seemed to fill my whole body.  I asked what was wrong.  The moments of silence pierced my ears. Each word stung me to the core.  I remember standing to my feet and saying "um, ok."  And I began to gather the things the kids and I would need to live somewhere else.  My sister came to help me pack up our things into my van.  She asked if I was mad at her.  I was in such a state of shock I wasn't registering anything other than those words over and over in my head.  "No you don't get it, I don't want you."  I don't know when those words will ever stop stinging. 

Just after the year mark of that night I had a realization.  I was still in love with the dreams I had for the two of us.  I dreamed of being a stay at home mom, our dates were filled with laughter and tears talking about the children, attending baseball and basketball games, and attending piano recitals.  Those dreams seemed lost in some other world.  I felt that all the happiness I had envisioned, the blessings of being a family, had become an unobtainable gift.  I felt like no matter how hard I worked all was lost.  I yelled at God many nights asking "WHY?!"  I felt that I had tried to make things right I tried to show how much I loved him but it was all in vain because he was gone. 

They say divorce is like a death and you need to grieve properly to move forward in a healthy manner.  I now realize why this is.  All the dreams I had of the two of us died.  They died before I knew they were dead.  I tried to revive them, but in a marriage two should dream then work together to make them work.  My dreams within that marriage were dead as well as my marriage without me even knowing they were.  I think the death of the dreams I had envisioned from the time I was a little girl have been the hardest to get over.  I keep saying "BUT THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!" 

I am sorry to say that many of my prayers begin with  "This isn't how my life was supposed to be.  I  WAS NOT  supposed to be 26 years old with 4 kids ages 3 to 3 months.  I have a hard time seeing pictures of friends with their loving husbands and happy children.  I am not saying their marriages are easy.  I am just saying that envy, like it does to everyone at one time or another, has whispered in my ear all that I am missing out on.  How happy I could be if I was still married.  How blessed my life would be if I had my husband by my side.  All of these whispers are LIES!  I am not held back because of a choice I DIDN'T MAKE.  I am not totally UNABLE to feel happiness because my family isn't full.  My Heavenly Father STILL loves me, REGAURDLESS of my "MARITAL STATUS"

I have always known that angels were there that night my dreams crumbled.  It is the second time in my life that I have seen or felt angels fill a room when I was in need of help.  I did not ask for them to be there for I would have no reason to know what was about to happen.  But my dear Father in Heaven knew what was happening and sent them.  Falling from that emotionally high cliff could have been devastating, however I had angels there to catch me.  I finally had one angel whisper "Time to dream differently.  The sky is the limit.  Do what you want and then you will be able to forgive because you wont be able to blame him for you not accomplishing your dreams.  YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH WHATEVER YOU WANT TO.  SO GO AND DO!" 

I got up and decided "TODAY IS THE DAY!"  It was time to move on.  No more wallowing in my despair over my "LOST" dreams. I decided I wanted to go back to school.  Spend more time with my kids (since daycare costs are ridiculous... 1000$ more than I make)  Reinvent my dreams for my children and myself.  Become the woman I ALWAYS WANTED TO BECOME!!! I don't need to be married to become the woman my Heavenly Father needs me to become.  I can become anything I want to be.  I just have to know that the power is within me and I have to have faith in the Lord that he will help me get there.  

Have faith in yourself.  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  Dream and don't stop dreaming.  Its ok to change your dreams just keep moving forward.  Allow yourself to feel sadness, just don't stay there.  It took me a year to accept the changes that came but I am now more excited than EVER for the road ahead of me!  I believe my Heavenly Father rejoices when we decide hope is better than despair.  I know our Loving Savior suffered our emotional pains as well as our physical pains.  He suffered so he could help us rise above and find new direction and build those stumbling blocks into stepping stones.  I hope you can find your step into your dreams and become the person you want to be and let nothing hold you back.  When I was in college I heard this quote "Every second gives us the chance to turn it all around."  DREAM BIG AND DON'T LET ANYTHING HOLD YOU BACK.